The Lion, The Witch and the snake in the grass
by idiot-874
Summary: well your favuorite pairing are here to make you smile at their complete misery prepare your self for showers, a gender swap (kinda) and violence towards choclate frogs...........
1. Default Chapter

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE SNAKE IN THE GRASS

"No, no no!" Hermione cried "There is no way I'm sharing a carriage with, that, that -" The carriage door opened.

"Malfoy." She sighed as though the world was going to end.

"YOU! This is preposterous. Go, get out! This is reserved for the academic elite, not Mudbloods." Draco sneered puffing out his chest, so the emerald green Head Boy badge was blindingly obvious.

It was the start of the final year in Hogwarts nothing much had changed Hermione was still top of her year, Harry was still the miraculous 'boy-who-lived', Ron still had red hair and freckles, and Draco Malfoy was still the annoying little git he always was.

Hermione grabbed her robes around the ruby red Head Girl badge "Oh look," she spat "We match."

"Not quite Granger. However if I suddenly transform into a woman and sprout breasts I assure you, your place as 'Head Girl' is not as secure as you thought it was." Draco rolled his eyes. "Well this is not the start of the year _I_ was hoping for."

"Oh yes," Hermione said sarcastically "Because I really want to share a train carriage with you too."

"You think it stops there do you. Oh no, things get much worse not only that, we have to share a common room, bedrooms next to each other and (Draco shuddered) shower rooms."

Hermione was aghast "We have to share a sh-sh-shower?!"

"NO! Please I've had breakfast. No the same room but cubicles Granger, you know small rooms designed to keep peoples privacy? How did _you_ become Head Girl?"

Hermione shook with anger I'll get him 'One of these days Malfoy you're going to fall from your pedestal and when you do I'll make sure the whole school will watch you crash.'

The silence rested on the edge of a knife one whisper out of either of them and-

SLAM the witch with the food tray appeared "Do you two wan-"

"I'll have 2 chocolate frogs please!" Hermione was desperate to talk to ANYONE except Draco.

"I'll have three." said Draco.

"Well I certainly don't want you near me in the shower if you're going to be piling-on-the-pounds." Hermione snorted.

"Is that so, well maybe that would be safer, make that four?" Said Draco turning to the plump witch.

"R-r-right ok." Stuttered the witch. This was going to get ugly she could tell.

"DRACO MALFOY! I WOULDN'T TOUCH YOU WITH A TEN FOOT BARGE POLE!" Hermione roared.

"MUDBLOOD!"

"FERRET!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"GOOD!" And they both sat and ate their chocolate frogs, albeit a bit violently.

"Lovers." the witch thought and walked away. Maybe she could become a See-er she thought then maybe she wouldn't have to deal with children.

"So how was your journey?" said Ron when they arrived at the great hall.

Hermione smacked her head on the table and said "Shut up Ron, just…shut up."

"That well hmmm."

"I'm off." Hermione sighed.

"Where are you going?" Harry asked

"To my doom probably." she muttered.

Walking out of the hall to the hall by her common room taking a deep breath she walked in to her home to be for the next year. She was not going to enjoy this one tiny bit.


	2. The putrid smell of loathing

The Putrid Smell of Loathing

Hermione submerged herself into her book (albeit rather forcefully) before her fellow Head Boy would enter the common room. Hate was such a strong and _ugly _word to use. However in this case it was entirely appropriate. Unfortunately, it was only a few minutes before he arrived that her heart didn't exactly leap for joy. More likeplumit into the abyss.

"Hey, Mudblood," sneered Draco. "You're not going to be this boring all night are you? I was kind of hoping we could make things a bit interesting--" Hermione sighed heavily. "Like, I hex you a couple of times and then if you could run off crying--"

"Shut up." She said quietly, the book shaking in her hand.

"What's the matter Granger? Am I making you cry? 'Oh please Draco, don't be mean to me.' You're pathetic, always hanging around Potter and the Weasel like some chronic disease. Waiting to grab the attention to show off like an annoying little know-it-all. Umbridge had the right idea and she showed everyone--" Draco was cut off as Hermione's abnormally thick book collided with a dull thud against his left temple. The force sent him sprawling to the floor.

"Shocked Malfoy? Don't be because that's what you can come to expect every time I find out you're bad-mouthing my friends, or every time you call me Mudblood. I am sick to death of you thinking you're better than all of us. It's time you found out you're not." Hermione was breathing deeply. God she had wanted to say that for a long time.

However, when she looked closer she began to panic. Malfoy was out cold with a cut above his left eye. She could get into big trouble for this.

"Oh sure Malfoy, pass out! All I wanted was for you to listen to me, but would you? No. Of course you couldn't. Theatrical to the end." Hermione cradled his head with extreme annoyance. She hated him, but she wasn't ready to kill him.

Yet.

"Oh no, you had to go pass out and bleed and make a mountain out of a--"Hermione was cut off.

"Merlin, woman," Draco murmured. "Don't you ever just shut up?"

"Oh," she said nonchalantly, dropping his head so it thumped to the floor. "You're alive.

"Just wait 'til Dumbledore hears about this. There'll be a new Head Girl in seconds," he spat. "Then everyone will see you're a disgrace to the race of wizards. How dare you--"

"How dare I what? Come to Hogwarts; inherit magic? It's not like I asked you know. So...what are you going to do, are you going to tell the whole school that you were beaten up by a girl, and a Mudblood at that?" she smiled smugly.

"No. But...I..." Draco hated her. Always smug, bloody know-it-all Mudblood. "I'll get you for this Granger," he finished lamely. And with that he stormed up to his room. First Einstein, now there was Malfoy, the master plan was about to be discovered.


	3. speechless

Speechless

'OK Draco think, what does every girl have?' Draco was trying his hardest "BREASTS!" He declared.

"I beg you're pardon?" said Blaise Zabini

"What?" Scowled Draco

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but where you or where you not trying to think of a plan to thwart Mrs Mudblood?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So what are you going to do to her breasts?"

"What? Nothing, shut up, I'm thinking." snapped Draco.

"So we can hear." Blaise gestured at the surrounding corridor. Draco went back to thinking. 'So Mudblood, want to play with the Malfoy's now do you? Right ok all girls have (_breasts) _no all girls have…. (_breasts)' _he gave in _'_ok fine all girls have breasts, so what shall I do to her breasts (wait that sounds like I'm trying to seduce her)' he shuddered ………….."Eureka!"

"Bloody hell Malfoy calm down wont you, you scared the bloody life out of me." Blaise held his hand over his heart as though it was going to explode like a nuclear warhead.

"The reborarse curse!" He clapped his hands and smirked maliciously. This was beyond mean, this was delicious.

"Whatever," Blaise shrugged "It's your funeral."

"S'whun 'mione" Said Ron with a mouth full of pumpkin pasty

"And again Ron, only this time without showing me the contents of your mouth while spraying me with food." She replied wiping her front.

"Gee Hermione," said Harry "that's one way to help lose someone's appetite."

"I said so what are you going to do now? That's the second time you've whacked him and I really don't think he's just goin' to let it lie." Ron's voice was lined with concern.

"I know knowing him though he'll probably find some cruel and unusual curse which will be in some banned dark arts book or other." she sighed.

"What are you going to do?" asked Harry

"I've got an idea but I'm going to need your help Harry."

"What is it?"

"Oh trust me you're going to love this." And she gave a smirk worthy of Malfoy.

The following evening she and Draco sat in opposite chairs Hermione was force feeding herself information (reading with great annoyance) and mumbling to herself. Draco was watching her every move, for this to work she needed to have her wand down on the floor. Then she did it. Immediately Draco jumped up and bellowed "REBORARSE!"

Nothing happened.

"But-" Draco stuttered

"But-" mimicked Hermione "the shield charm effective, don't you think?"

Draco was speechless, but in his speechlessness he heard something. Mumbling.

"Who's there?" He seethed. These were his chambers, he may have been sharing with the mudblood but he was still the dominant male. And he did not like his territory being invaded. Hermione walked up to Draco and laid a hand on his shoulder as the mumbling grew louder he heard the words 'impervio onocculous'.

"Draco do you remember last year when Dumbledore was sent away?" Draco's face grew pale. "You do well allow me to show you why. " she went over to a near by wall "Draco meet the D.A.!" The room gradually grew smaller as more and more people appeared from thin air. Including Ron Weasley and Harry Potter.

"Granger." Draco growled. What-"

"NOW!" shouted Hermione. Thirty people appeared and all shouted "SILENCIO!" Draco was swearing rather openly as the people started to run out of the common room but his voice wasn't there.

"Nice try Draco but with that number of spells you'll be speechless for weeks." she smiled and traced his jaw line with her index finger. Then she kissed him. She slipped her tongue into his mouth and pushed him to the wall. She was drawing the essence out of him. She pulled away and smiled wickedly "Good night." and as she went up to her room Draco stood stunned and dropped to the floor. As much to his disgust he realised he enjoyed this side of Hermione.


End file.
